There is a part of becoming the woman I am called to be that requires me to confront something deeply personal: the stories I carry about my mother and how those stories have shaped the way I see myself.
For some women, the relationship with their mother is a source of warmth, security and affirmation. For others, it is complicated. There may have been absence, rejection, criticism, comparison, control, emotional distance, unmet expectations or experiences that created shame. I loved my mother and I have loads of pride, courage and some pain because she died early. I have learned that if I did not intentionally examine these experiences, I could have unknowingly built my adult life around them. Desperate for approval, struggle to trust other women because of what I experienced or become overly independent because depending on people once felt unsafe. It is also possible to constantly prove myself because somewhere inside me I am still trying to demonstrate that I am worthy.
One thing I have learnt is that I can become so focused on becoming the opposite of what hurt me that I never discover who I actually am.
That is not freedom, building You means I must become curious about myself beyond my experiences.
Napoleon Hill writes in Outwitting the Devil, “A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind.” I find this particularly powerful because unresolved pain can quietly become an external force controlling your decisions. You may think you are choosing freely when, in reality, yiu are reacting to an old story.
So, how did I begin building myself when i felt pain in regards to my mother?
1. Learn to separate your identity from your experience.
I can acknowledge what happened without allowing it to become the definition of who I am. My mother made mistakes and have carried her own wounds, limitations and fears. I may never fully understand everything she experienced, and I would never receive any explanation I desire. However I decide that her death and limitations will not become the boundaries of my life. I am allowed to become a woman who communicates differently, loves differently, leads differently and builds differently.
I can honour where I came from without being imprisoned by it.
As Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This is why self-awareness matters so much. You must examine the beliefs you inherited and ask, Is this really who I am, or is this what I learned to believe about myself?
2. I built new practices beyond new intentions
Healing is not only about understanding your past; it is also about practicing something different in the present. If I grew up believing my voice did not matter, I must practice expressing myself. If you have learned to shrink, you must practice taking up healthy space. If you believe that love must be earned, practice receiving healthy relationships without constantly performing for acceptance. You need new habits of thinking, communicating, setting boundaries, managing money, learning, resting and showing up. A new life cannot be built with old practices, this is why building You requires capacity. You need to become the woman who can carry the life you desire.
3. I stopped drifting and started deciding
There is a danger in allowing your past to make all your decisions for you.
Someone spend years saying, “Because of what happened to me, I cannot…” and eventually become a woman whose entire life is organized around what she is afraid of repeating.
If you want something different, you want to make decisions from vision rather than fear. Build relationships based on discernment rather than suspicion. You want to pursue opportunities because they align with your values rather than because they will finally prove your worth.
Building You means I take responsibility for the woman I am becoming.
Not blame.
Responsibility.
There is a difference.
We did not choose every experience that shaped us but you and I can choose what we do with what shaped us.
Perhaps this is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself: to become the woman I need.
I give myself permission to learn, create the emotional safety I once longed for. Seek mentors, build healthy friendships, develop competence, manage my resources wisely and surround myself with women who challenge me to grow.
I am building my own story.
The life you build today shapes your legacy tomorrow.
If you are ready to understand yourself, strengthen your confidence and intentionally build the woman you are becoming, join The Emerging Female Leaders Intensive.
For deeper accountability, community and transformation, register for the next cohort of the Personal Evolution Program.
And if you need personalized support to unpack your story and navigate your next season, book a one-to-one coaching session with me.